יום רביעי, 16 בינואר 2013

I Know

andbabymakes2.co.il

I just broke up with the man I had been seeing for the last six months.  Like most of the break ups I have had, I will tell you that I don’t know why, but of course, I have speculated about the reasons.  For the most part, the men are, insert your own “diagnosis” here…unavailable, commitment- phobes, workaholics, just not that into me etc.  Can you relate?
Most women I know will tell you variations on the same saga: at the beginning they were angels, caring, loving, attentive, SO into them.  At some point, most of us will say, it changed.  One day they were darlings and the next they disappeared.  Most of us will also tell you that it usually corresponded to the woman asking for, expecting, suggesting, gently nudging or even demanding….dare I speak of it out loud…MORE. And then he was gone.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT???!!

I finally met someone who I thought was different;   A widow, with no annoying ex -wife lurking, a single dad, committed, and hardworking. Someone who pursued me relentlessly for three months and put up with my kids, my schedule, and my not so pleasant late afternoon demeanor.

The minute I suggested more…out the door he went without even a goodbye. I mean REALLY? SERIOUSLY? At 50 years old?  Isn’t there a statute of limitations for bad adolescent immature behavior? Did 20 + years of marriage teach him nothing? THIS is how he communicates?

If I stay in this zone, then I can say it is good that it ended. Who needs that? I deserve more and better.   It’s not like I haven’t ever been in a failed relationship before, clearly I have, and we all have. It is sad, disappointing, self-diminishing (at least for me) and a blow to the ego. But I have never had a relationship with children, and without a doubt it’s more complicated….. Interrupted phone calls, babysitter snafus, unsatisfied sex due to little people barge ins… this is all new to me. But I am basically an optimist and shockingly for those who know me, a romantic.  I do believe in fairy tales.  I had a fairy book romance with my ex-husband.  Obviously, we didn’t live happily ever after, but for me, that doesn’t mean that the fairy tale was less real or special or romantic or heartfelt.

This man is the first I have been completely at ease with and entirely myself and I really believed he wasn’t one of “those”.

 In order to move on, we evolved therapized women know we need to find the “good” in order to “get closure”.  This break up is new so I’m still sorting through its demise.  But here is what I do know: when a man isn’t willing to sacrifice for you and the relationship then you shouldn’t either.  If he woos you to get you he should want to woo you to keep you.  If he says he loves you but isn’t around enough to show you that he does then how much does he really love you?  If everything comes before you then how much does he really want you?  If you ask him what he wants after six months of being together and he says he doesn’t know and offers no solution or compromise then he doesn’t want you enough.

And then you talk to your mom and your girlfriends and maybe even your shrink and they give you the platitudes…oh how I love the platitudes…
The timing just wasn’t right, he just isn’t capable, he is passive aggressive, but bottom line, if a guy is into you he will likely go to the ends of the earth, or at least the end of the block, for you. These are my core beliefs on the subject and I am not willing to compromise for an “I don’t know”. 

But… I’m lonely and bored and sexually, well, ..y’know… and I miss having a companion, friend and lover.

So here is my question, can you let go of your own “what I know” for his “I don’t know” because you get SOME of what you want? Is that enough? For me? For my kids? I DON’T KNOW.

So even though I have considered picking up the phone to call, at the end of the day I’m not sure what to say. Or even if I figure it out, how long will it last? Because very soon after the reunion, assuming there is one, won’t the same things that bothered me before still bother me? Won’t I still be annoyed when he tells me yet again that he can’t make it here for my birthday, a good friend’s party, a shabat?  Doesn’t he need to know before we can proceed to…well, anywhere?

If someone tells you I don’t know and they still don’t know when you finally talk then what is left?
So I don’t call. I write this blog, or I catch up on my latest tv show episodes or talk on the phone. I wonder though…What are you thinking? Do you miss me? Why haven’t you called? Are you really so scared? Or are you just not that into me?