I am getting close to a new decade.
I am at an age where I am a grown up. I should be able to say I am responsible, solvent, and together. In many ways I am.
But like most of us, the minute the going gets tough I just want my mommy…and daddy to hold me, tell me they love me, and that it will be okay…crazy isn’t it? That at my advancing age that is what comforts me, still. While I think that this is fairly universal, I wonder if I was in a loving relationship would I feel differently.
The man I can’t seem to end things with permanently has been back. I keep asking myself, and my friends and family keep asking me, why? Never have I had an on again off again relationship. With me things are pretty black and white. Why has everything been grey?
I have thought about it, off and on for a while now. I finally figured it out. He is kind and doesn’t judge and amazingly accepts me as I am which is not easy to do. It turns out that I am a difficult person. I am short tempered, impatient, and moody. I am judgmental and tell it like it is. And he still keeps coming back, which makes me wonder about his mental stability but since this blog is all about me, well, let’s talk about me.
He is even tempered, almost always cheerful, mostly consistent and never yells. My complete opposite. But recently I found out that he really does judge, omits the truth, yeses people to avoid saying it like it is and is possibly hiding the fact that his children don’t like me.
In most ways we are polar opposites. He has a very hands off “management style” while I have a very hands on, almost micromanaging style. Then again, my kids are almost four and his are approaching their 20’s.
What makes us good parents? Is there a formula, recipe, or secret ingredient for confident, productive mentally healthy and stable children? Does the dad who never yells get better results than the mom who does?
I wonder what it is that keeps drawing us back to each other. Now that we have arrived at our fifth and final breakup ( I received email confirmation) I think that it is my apparent craving for a complete family, which even in 2013, at least to me, still means man, woman and children.
I am so blessed to have my girls. As my cousin Sarit always points out I got them at the 12th hour. Maybe I am simply a product of my generation that is never completely satisfied with what I have. I have friends with one child who are desperately trying for a second and I got two in one shot.
However, I have never ever believed that my kids were a husband/boyfriend replacement. The minute your kids are delivered they are already on their way out….of your house. They are not meant to stay.
A partner, on the other hand, is. If you’ve read my recent posts, then you know my ex is a widower with three children. Teen children. I never really spent much time thinking about them beyond being “his kids”. My girlfriend who is the product of a “broken home” tells me I should’ve done more to befriend them When I reflect back I realized that I did what I could but it was regularly stonewalled by their dad…er ..My Man. He lives in two separate worlds. It was either he and them or he and I let myself believe, me. Rarely did the two meet. When I mentioned it he got defensive or yesed me . I didn’t really think through the blood vs. water argument enough in this case. In the last two months, when I think the ups and downs of this relationship were made and broken I realized so many things. He is NEVER going to put me first…or second…or even third.
Spending shabatot together, on his turf, I saw little things. Mostly that I wasn’t much more than air. The conversations rarely included me. His kids were polite as in hello, please, thank you and good bye. Not much more than that. He never once saw or took my side. I moved to his turf for the summer based on a promise the turned into a false premise. One minute I was Carol to his Mike Brady and the next we were Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker.
So I’m back to where I’ve been and still have trouble accepting:
Do you shut it down before it starts because you’ve read the signs and you’re in your fourth decade and have been there done that? OR do you try; give it a chance, and hope against hope…. And then get your heart broken.. Again.
For what? Believing? Believing him? Should I believe in “Love can prevail?” even though love does NOT make a relationship work? Should I ignore the wisdoms of life lessons? Hasn’t all that therapy paid off yet?
Here I am back at ground zero.
I feel like an idiot. I don’t feel like “I took a chance and oh well it didn’t work out”. How can I bounce back AGAIN and try? Isn’t there a point where you just say to yourself “I’m not good at this”?
Wishing you a shana tova, with love, laughter, beauty, health and to enjoy it with the loves in your life.www.andbabymakes2.co.il