I am getting close to a new decade.
I am at an age where I am a grown up. I should be able to
say I am responsible, solvent, and together. In many ways I am.
But like most of us, the minute the going gets tough I just
want my mommy…and daddy to hold me, tell me they love me, and that it will be okay…crazy isn’t it? That
at my advancing age that is what comforts me, still. While I think that this is
fairly universal, I wonder if I was in a loving relationship would I feel differently.
The man I can’t seem to end things with permanently has been
back. I keep asking myself, and my
friends and family keep asking me, why?
Never have I had an on again off again relationship. With me things are pretty black and white.
Why has everything been grey?
I have thought about it, off and on for a while now. I finally figured it out. He is kind and doesn’t judge and amazingly
accepts me as I am which is not easy to do. It turns out that I am a difficult
person. I am short tempered, impatient,
and moody. I am judgmental and tell it
like it is. And he still keeps coming back, which makes me wonder about his
mental stability but since this blog is all about me, well, let’s talk about
me.
He is even tempered, almost always cheerful, mostly
consistent and never yells. My complete
opposite. But recently I found out that he really does judge, omits the truth,
yeses people to avoid saying it like it is and is possibly hiding the fact that
his children don’t like me.
In most ways we are polar opposites. He has a very hands off “management style”
while I have a very hands on, almost micromanaging style. Then again, my kids are almost four and his
are approaching their 20’s.
What makes us good parents? Is there a formula, recipe, or
secret ingredient for confident, productive mentally healthy and stable
children? Does the dad who never yells get better results than the mom who
does?
I wonder what it is that keeps drawing us back to each
other. Now that we have arrived at our fifth and final breakup ( I received email
confirmation) I think that it is my apparent craving for a complete family,
which even in 2013, at least to me, still means man, woman and children.
I am so blessed to
have my girls. As my cousin Sarit always
points out I got them at the 12th hour. Maybe I am simply a product of my generation
that is never completely satisfied with what I have. I have friends with one child who are
desperately trying for a second and I got two in one shot.
However, I have never ever believed that my kids
were a husband/boyfriend replacement.
The minute your kids are delivered they are already on their way out….of
your house. They are not meant to stay.
A partner, on the other hand, is. If you’ve read my recent
posts, then you know my ex is a widower with three children. Teen children. I
never really spent much time thinking about them beyond being “his kids”. My
girlfriend who is the product of a “broken home” tells me I should’ve done more
to befriend them When I reflect back I
realized that I did what I could but it was regularly stonewalled by their dad…er
..My Man. He lives in two separate worlds. It was either he and them or he and
I let myself believe, me. Rarely did the
two meet. When I mentioned it he got defensive or yesed me . I didn’t really think through the blood vs.
water argument enough in this case. In
the last two months, when I think the ups and downs of this relationship were
made and broken I realized so many things. He is NEVER going to put me first…or
second…or even third.
Spending shabatot together, on his turf, I saw little
things. Mostly that I wasn’t much more
than air. The conversations rarely included me. His kids were polite as in
hello, please, thank you and good bye. Not much more than that. He never once saw or took my side. I moved to his turf for the summer based on a
promise the turned into a false premise. One minute I was Carol to his Mike Brady and
the next we were Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker.
So I’m back to where I’ve been and still have trouble accepting:
Do you shut it down
before it starts because you’ve read the signs and you’re in your fourth decade
and have been there done that? OR do you try; give it a chance, and hope
against hope…. And then get your heart broken.. Again.
For what? Believing? Believing him? Should I believe in “Love
can prevail?” even though love does NOT make a relationship work? Should I ignore
the wisdoms of life lessons? Hasn’t all that therapy paid off yet?
Here I am back at ground zero.
I feel like an idiot. I don’t feel like “I took a chance and
oh well it didn’t work out”. How can I bounce back AGAIN and try? Isn’t there a
point where you just say to yourself “I’m not good at this”?
NO.
Wishing you a shana tova, with love, laughter, beauty,
health and to enjoy it with the loves in your life.
www.andbabymakes2.co.il