How many of us have said this to a heartbroken friend? How many have heard this from our girlfriends, moms, shrinks?
“Oh honey! He’s a jerk!” you deserve better…
I have spent the better part of my adulthood saying this or being told this. However, here I am. Still alone. By myself. And ….?
Where has it gotten me all this deserve-ment. Entitlement? Maybe I don’t. Maybe I’ve gotten the best there is and that is all I deserve. Or maybe what we deserve and what we get aren’t necessarily the same. Maybe “you deserve what you have” is more the more appropriate statement. Maybe “make it work” is a better phrase.
Maybe all those women who waited for better are still waiting…and don’t look as good, aren’t as thin, are past child bearing … Maybe this sounds sexist (Trump-y) but seriously…aren’t all of us over 40 women and maybe even over 50 women thinking this? Feeling this?
maybe I should have…. ??
maybe I should have…. ??
Don’t misunderstand me: I have it all. I say this and mean this and believe it. I believe I am blessed and that G-d takes care of me. But, I am alone. It is the one piece of the puzzle that I haven’t been able to complete (successfully).
I have definitely grown and evolved. I have gained life experience and wisdom. I have done the work; alone, in therapy, in my outlooks and attitude. And yet… this part doesn’t ever seem to change. If I am tough, if I am go with the flow, if I’m patient, understanding, or hard assed. The person who is before me is always the same person. It doesn’t seem to matter if he is Israeli or American, religious or charedi or completely non-observant, Ashkenazi or Sephardi. He is invariably the same man.
It is unclear to me how this keeps happening. Maybe it’s just bad luck, maybe as a colleague said the other day there are simply more women than men, maybe at this age “what’s left” is fucked up. I cannot believe that this is my fate. I believe in creating fate. I remember going to real estate seminars when I was still in the business and speakers said things like “imagine what you want; a boat, apartment, trip to Europe and then figure out how you can make the money to pay for it”. This is my philosophy. If you will it it will come. But every time I will it either the recycled crazies come back or new ones come to fill their place. And the drama and insanity begin again.
My friends tell me I crave the drama. Maybe they’re right. I don’t think I crave drama. I am supremely happy in my drama free existence without a man…until I can’t take the alone anymore…and then the drama begins again. I wish I knew why. I wish I could change it. I am not willing to accept that my life in this area is over and that I will never have real love again…but…