יום שני, 10 בדצמבר 2012

Whistle while you Work


Whistle while you Work

Since the girls were born, I have revolved my life around them.  That is to say, I have essentially worked very limitedly in order to spend most of my time with them. In short, the freedom I have had, upon checking my bank balance, is that the time to go back to work full time has arrived.

I am very lucky that I have been able to do this.  In retrospect, this might not have been the right move financially, but as a mother, and particularly an old(er) mother, it was important to me to invest the time and resources in them.

But now, I need to return to the full time work force. This topic is universal. Most mothers today, single or in a relationship need to work. Having said that, until you make the transition yourself, it is just words, platitudes, and you really cannot empathize.  When my kids say to me which babysitter is picking us up today, I feel a piece of my heart shatter. They seem to like the babysitters and they even told me last night that they wanted Naama (one of the sitters) to come and bathe them and not mommy. So it is a relief that they like the sitters. But…I wonder if all the night time “bed warming” of late has to do with my absence.  I assume that it does but…maybe not?


We mothers seem to absorb the ills of the world upon our shoulders…at least I do. Everything that happens to them is because of something I did, or more likely didn’t do.  While it makes me appear to be a caring, involved attentive mother, as the grown daughter of a mother who still does this, I find it annoying at best and most days completely maddening. I tell my mom regularly that the world does not revolve around her.  It is ironic, for those of you that know her, since she is a giving and caring person. But I think when your kids are little you are the focal point of their lives and feelings of responsibility  for everything that happens to them is a hard habit to break. Their dependence on you and your connection to their loves and losses goes down exponentially as they get older.  Maybe this sense of guilt or responsibility we moms carry with us, is why we children always blame our parents or more often, our mom.

I wonder. In a few years from now, I will stop being the center of their universe. Will it feel better to leave them then? The truth is, according to many of my mom friends, I go out “a lot”. I do work two evenings a week and have since they’re small.  In the last year, I have added a play date to one of my work evenings. That is to say, after work is over, I generally meet a friend, for an hour or so before I go home.  I do not feel bad or guilty about this.  I need it and there are days I even crave it.
The milestones of crawling, walking, and talking are over but sometimes I still feel that I am missing out. The other day, we were at the park. I noticed how they now use the “big girl” swings exclusively. How they climb up the slide with greater speed and confidence. They slide faster, swing higher and spin seamlessly. I marvel at their new found independence and feel bittersweet pride; thrilled for them and their growth and sadness that I wasn’t there when they acquired these skills.

 Likewise, our bedtime routine has advanced. The songs and TV shows have evolved. However, the feelings of joy, serenity, and tranquility aren’t. That half hour before they go to sleep is sacred and while I now have to work several evenings a week, and miss it, the nights that I am home have become that much more special and important to me, and I think (hope?) for them as well.

 
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