יום שבת, 29 בנובמבר 2014

Truths

Truths
As a child, I, like most of you, assumed that when we grew up we would get married, have a family and live happily ever after.
Along the way, most of us found out that Prince/Princess Charming doesn’t exist nor does happily ever after.  Most of us learned that if we can tolerate our mates, accept their annoying habits, idiosyncrasies and still manage to love them, laugh with them and grow old together that was good enough.  That happiness ebbs and flows and mostly, we are all trying to get through our lives surrounded by our loved ones, health, maybe a little money, and some fun.
I don’t think any of us, ever, thought that we’d grow up and after having been disappointed enough times by love opt to have a child on our own.  I don’t think any of the gay men or women who were kids in the 60’s 70’s or even possibly the 80’s imagined that they would grow up, marry a partner of the same sex and have a woman, of third world country origin, be a surrogate or an egg donor.  I don’t think many of us who were kids then, imagined a possibility where a male friend, often gay, could be in a relationship of his own and yet, still be the father of our children.
Fast forward 2014. Tel Aviv. Although it could be New York or LA.  I go to an orthodox synagogue.  Many of our members are gay.  Many of our gay members are married. Many of our gay married members have children.  We also have straight members, many of whom are married and have kids.  Some of the members, like I, are single mothers.  I think I might be the only single mother of twins.  Even in my shul I feel alone and lonely though it is a very warm and welcoming place.  I joke that no matter where I go to shul there are couples everywhere and no single straight men.  It’s not a very comforting joke…but I digress.
The other day, many of us went to a simcha of a friend and a member of our synagogue.  The whiskey was single malt, double digit years and very smooth.  I had a little more than I should.  Loose tongues and all.  I began chatting with a man who I know casually from synagogue.  A gay married father.  Anyway, he said that had we met some years before he would’ve liked to have had a child with me.  It was meant as a compliment.  It’s the first time this type of conversation took place in my world.  I responded with a thank you but that I would not have wanted a partner unless it was a love partner. He responded with surprise saying he had never heard a woman say that before.

Truth.  One assumes it is universal and all-encompassing but in reality it is quite subjective.  That is not to say that there aren’t universal truths but this parenting thing has become so varied and so diverse that pretty much anything is possible and anything goes…but not for me.  I accept it and respect it in others but for me, having a child on my own wasn’t a choice it was a must.  I had no time left to wait so I did it.  I have never given it a second thought…and then last night, out of nowhere.

My baby says to me” Ima why don’t I have an abba?” and my heart breaks.  When I ask her why she wants an abba she tells me to carry her on his shoulders and I say that I can.  She points out that I can’t do it all the way home. And I tell her that I want her to have an abba but a really good one that theyre hard to find and I've been looking and will keep looking.

And I wonder…did I do it the wrong way? Did I do my kids a disservice? Was I selfish?
I don’t know.

יום חמישי, 11 בספטמבר 2014

Transitions









יום רביעי, 5 בפברואר 2014

Erin (Ellie) Brokovich

Many of you know the obstacle I faced when trying to obtain US citizenship for my girls.  At the time, exactly four years ago, I excitedly dressed my infants, navigated the diaper bags, stroller, car seats and paperwork, got into a cab with my mom headed to the US embassy, and sure that an hour or so later my kids would get what I assumed was their natural born right, dual citizenship.  This was not to be that day in February 2010.
If you want the story in all its humiliating detail, feel free to google me and get the facts, the distortions, the pictures and the news reels. Most of the time over the course of these last years I haven’t thought about it. I have kids to raise, a job to do, a house to care for and a life to lead. However, during this time we have travelled to the United States four times and before each trip, when I pull out the passports and see one American and three Israeli, the pang of pain returns.  When I try and decide which line to stand in for customs and passport control in Chicago I think about it and when I think about telling all these officials what I think and realize I’m travelling with foreigners I shut my mouth. I remember that they are guests in the United States and as guests, especially from this region; they are not so warmly welcomed. The pang of pain returns.
I have been trying to figure out these last two days, since I found out that my children will be getting their US citizenship, what about it is so emotional for me.  I don’t consider myself to be a gung ho American. I don’t cry when I hear the national anthem, I don’t see the fourth of July as more than a day to barbeque, hang with friends and see fireworks.
However, it is part of my identity and it is very important for me from a practical standpoint that they are citizens.  The women I’ve talked to in the last four years who are in a similar situation to mine have all told me their reasons why it is important to them that their kids get citizenship, because to me, it is an interesting question and I'm always curious.  The answers have been interesting, thought provoking, and valid.  None of them match my reason.
It is simple.  Magiya li. My very Israeli mentality that I deserve it is the very reason I want them to be American. Yes I want them to be able to travel freely worldwide, and have the option of going to university as residents and not foreigners, and the ability to work without a special visa. But bottom line, what has bothered me is that I have been singled out and discriminated against which are, at their core, the essence of American values.
But still it doesn’t explain why I am so emotional about it.  I don’t know. I think part of it is that although he never said it in words, my immigrant father has instilled in me the idea that you can do, be and have anything.  Isn’t that the American dream?
Years in the real estate business, attending seminars have reinforced my drive and belief that if you wish it you can make it yours. 
My childhood hero, Scarlett O’Hara standing on that hill with her world burning down around her saying “I will never be hungry again”…These are my core beliefs.  I already tell my girls that they can do and be anything they want.  I truly believe it.
When I was approached to go public with my story I didn’t think about it too much.  I didn’t realize what was going to happen, that my phone would ring off the hook, that CNN, FOX, NBC, and more would do stories on me.  When it started to take on a life of its own I stopped it.  I then had a lawyer friend in NY offer to write a letter to the ACLU. When that was declined she drafted a letter to Hilary Clinton.  I had little faith that anything would happen imminenetly but I always believed the law would change before they were 18 when all the advantages I mentioned above would become more relevant. So it didn’t really matter…until we flew to America and again I had that pang. 
 I found out the law changed and I got an email from a government official saying this:
“Ellie,
I did see that the law has changed and I thought of you immediately!! I am so happy and I want to thank you for pushing the issue to the powers that be in DC.  I believe that if it hadn’t been for you, the law would have been stuck behind the times for much much longer…..”
And then I became emotional.
Today, when the official said "Congratulations Shira and Maya on becoming US citizens", I cried. It was very emotional.
So I don’t know, maybe I’m more of a patriot than I thought. At the end of the day the reason doesn’t matter. I am so happy and moved and thrilled that their rights have been upheld and their freedom maintained. So Gd bless America.


יום חמישי, 16 בינואר 2014

singlehood to motherhood: The Ariks

singlehood to motherhood: The Ariks: Two giants of Israeli life died recently. Arik Einstein and Arik Sharon. Both of their deaths hit me hard. Arik Einstein’s death was qui...

The Ariks

Two giants of Israeli life died recently. Arik Einstein and Arik Sharon.
Both of their deaths hit me hard. Arik Einstein’s death was quite sudden whereas Sharon has been in a coma for the last eight years so it was hardly unexpected.  The actual loss though, is making me very sad and teary.
An era is over.
While the miracle of the State of Israel is well known; the almost overnight growth, wealth, international reputation in the hi -tech and innovation markets, its personality, too, has changed.  This is a fairly normal occurrence. Don’t they say that famous people “overnight” become different? So it follows that the personality of this tiny, unique and miraculous country has changed as well. 
Not necessarily for the good, in my humble opinion, although I will not delve into that discussion.
It isn’t lost on me that the Ariks were 75 and 85 years old upon their demise, the same generation as my parents.  Sharon was five years older than my dad.  Lately, I am somewhat obsessed with my parents’ immortality.  No, it’s not a typo. I am fully aware that my inability to acknowledge this eventuality is problematic.  Today I was with someone who is only a few years older than I.  She mentioned that her mother died seven years ago and her dad this year.  I was amazed that she was still coping and functioning.  I think the time has come to figure out how to separate.  These people are still my rocks and I simply cannot imagine life without them in it.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, I do think that the absence of a life partner makes the connection of parent and child seem stronger.  There is no other person to help balance out the equation. But more than that, is my hope that my parents will be around to enjoy my girls and that my girls will have the wonderful magical addition of grandparents in their lives.
Grandparents: Those wonderful people who spoil you and cuddle you and sneak you treats even after your mom TELLS them not to.  Grandparents: those warm cuddly older people who take you to breakfast and let you eat the sugar from the bags and scoop jelly out of the little container.  This is what I remember about my grandparents. No matter how much my mom and my grandma would fight, my grandma would turn to jelly and smiley for me.

Don’t my kids deserve this? Need this? Even without knowing it, crave it? So I tell my mother in the midst of some rant about how she isn’t feeling well ten more years.  I don’t tell it to my dad but in my heart and mind every day I pray for at least ten more years. At least then the girls will have had their childhood with them and will remember them.  But in my heart of hearts I know that it is completely selfish.  Maybe in ten more years I can finally accept the reality that my life WILL go on without them no matter how difficult and sad that thought is.  Shira, it’s the circle of life.

יום ראשון, 20 באוקטובר 2013

Reality


I grew up to an Israeli father in the late sixties and early seventies.  Although we lived in Chicago, we came to Israel often.  My paternal grandparents and my entire father’s family still lived here.  A twenty year old Israel was very much like a twenty year old person; rough around the edges, thinks they know everything,  is still filling out and is impatient to be considered an adult.

My grandparents’ home was (still is) in the center of Tel Aviv.  Since we usually came in the summers and Tel Aviv weather at least hasn’t changed since then, most days we went to the beach.  I remember the walk, down Jabotinsky Street, which today is a major thoroughfare.  Then it was sand, surrounded by three and four story apartment buildings.  I remember the men selling artikim (popsicles) and corn on the cob  and sabras on the street.  Growing up in the States we had those little corn holders to put on the corn and butter.  Here it was into a paper bag with the steam still rising and salt. 

The sabras were peeled and juicy and red and smelled delicious.  I can’t look at one now and not remember those days.  The gorgeous men (at the time mostly straight) in Speedos  with their cigarettes  stuck into the back playing matkot, the women in mini bikinis, the smell of bain de soleil oozing from their skin, the salty air  and the kids all running around naked splashing in the water. It was a wonderful time.  Coming here was always a joy.

My father has two brothers and many cousins.  To this day I can’t keep track of who is from which side of the family and which cousin is married to who and which kids belong to which parents, even though many of them have over the years become friends and in some cases, very close friends.

The one person I never was terribly fond of was my uncle Uri, my father’s youngest brother.  My uncle was in the paratroopers, at a time when Zahal was at its pinnacle. He was the pride of the family and he represented the best of this fledgling  country. Throughout my childhood he would come to the US for business trips and always bring my male cousins memorabilia from the army, model airplanes and…boy stuff.  I was the only girl at the time.  He didn’t bring me anything.

When I finished high school and came to Israel, he and I locked horns.  He saw it as his role to continue fathering in place of my dad who was 7000 miles away.  I, needless to say, had other ideas in mind.  I thought he was a pain in the neck and rigid. He thought I was rebellious and spoiled.  It stayed that way until the early 2000’s when I came to Israel in the middle of the Intifadah and volunteered.  I think he was blown away and finally saw me.  His reality about me changed.

While he has never said anything to me directly, it isn’t our way, having the kids on my own, was another reality check.  I think he saw that I wasn’t a spoiled fluff; the daughter of the brother who went to the “goldene medina”, made yerida, had American children and had too much of everything.  I think he saw my grit, my strength and my will.  I think he appreciated that and me for surviving and for doing it here because Uri is a true Zionist and loves this country completely.

My uncle has never drank, smoked cigarettes, done drugs or put any other bad substances in his body although he had a penchant for wheat germ and alfalfa sprouts in the 70’s. He was running, eating healthy and living a clean life before most people had any idea about it here or in the US.

My uncle is dying.  It is shaking my reality to the core.  It is shaking my entire family’s reality and worst of all his own.  He has always represented the classic Israeli soldier. Up there in the picture next to Yoni Netanyahu at the Kotel, in my mind, is the picture of Uncle Uri, in all his military glory.  He hasn’t been in the military in many years but it is the reality we all remember and this new reality is unfathomable, cruel, ugly and degrading.

I only wish you comfort, ease and dignity in the coming days.
http://wwwandbabymakes2.co.ilhttp://www.andbabymakes2.co.il

יום שבת, 14 בספטמבר 2013

Grow Up



I am getting close to a new decade.

I am at an age where I am a grown up. I should be able to say I am responsible, solvent, and together. In many ways I am.

But like most of us, the minute the going gets tough I just want my mommy…and daddy to hold me, tell me they love me,  and that it will be okay…crazy isn’t it? That at my advancing age that is what comforts me, still. While I think that this is fairly universal, I wonder if I was in a loving relationship would I feel differently.

The man I can’t seem to end things with permanently has been back.  I keep asking myself, and my friends and family keep asking me, why?  Never have I had an on again off again relationship.  With me things are pretty black and white. Why has everything  been grey?

I have thought about it, off and on for a while now.  I finally figured it out.  He is kind and doesn’t judge and amazingly accepts me as I am which is not easy to do. It turns out that I am a difficult person.  I am short tempered, impatient, and moody.  I am judgmental and tell it like it is. And he still keeps coming back, which makes me wonder about his mental stability but since this blog is all about me, well, let’s talk about me.

He is even tempered, almost always cheerful, mostly consistent and never yells.  My complete opposite. But recently I found out that he really does judge, omits the truth, yeses people to avoid saying it like it is and is possibly hiding the fact that his children don’t like me.

In most ways we are polar opposites.  He has a very hands off “management style” while I have a very hands on, almost micromanaging style.  Then again, my kids are almost four and his are approaching their 20’s. 

What makes us good parents? Is there a formula, recipe, or secret ingredient for confident, productive mentally healthy and stable children? Does the dad who never yells get better results than the mom who does?

I wonder what it is that keeps drawing us back to each other. Now that we have arrived at our fifth and final breakup ( I received email confirmation) I think that it is my apparent craving for a complete family, which even in 2013, at least to me, still means man, woman and children.

 I am so blessed to have my girls.  As my cousin Sarit always points out I got them at the 12th hour.  Maybe I am simply a product of my generation that is never completely satisfied with what I have.  I have friends with one child who are desperately trying for a second and I got two in one shot.

However, I have never ever believed  that my kids were a husband/boyfriend replacement.  The minute your kids are delivered they are already on their way out….of your house. They are not meant to stay.

A partner, on the other hand, is. If you’ve read my recent posts, then you know my ex is a widower with three children. Teen children. I never really spent much time thinking about them beyond being “his kids”. My girlfriend who is the product of a “broken home” tells me I should’ve done more to befriend them  When I reflect back I realized that I did what I could but it was regularly stonewalled by their dad…er ..My Man. He lives in two separate worlds. It was either he and them or he and I let myself believe, me.  Rarely did the two meet. When I mentioned it he got defensive or yesed me .  I didn’t really think through the blood vs. water argument enough in this case.  In the last two months, when I think the ups and downs of this relationship were made and broken I realized so many things. He is NEVER going to put me first…or second…or even third.

Spending shabatot together, on his turf, I saw little things.  Mostly that I wasn’t much more than air. The conversations rarely included me. His kids were polite as in hello, please, thank you and good bye. Not much more than that.  He never once saw or took my side.  I moved to his turf for the summer based on a promise the turned into a false premise. One minute I was Carol to his Mike Brady and the next we were Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker. 

So I’m back to where I’ve been and still have trouble accepting:

 Do you shut it down before it starts because you’ve read the signs and you’re in your fourth decade and have been there done that? OR do you try; give it a chance, and hope against hope…. And then get your heart broken.. Again.  

For what? Believing? Believing him? Should I believe in “Love can prevail?” even though love does NOT make a relationship work? Should I ignore the wisdoms of life lessons? Hasn’t all that therapy paid off yet?

Here I am back at ground zero.

I feel like an idiot. I don’t feel like “I took a chance and oh well it didn’t work out”. How can I bounce back AGAIN and try? Isn’t there a point where you just say to yourself “I’m not good at this”?

NO. 

Wishing you a shana tova, with love, laughter, beauty, health and to enjoy it with the loves in your life.
www.andbabymakes2.co.il