My
girls are almost three. I cannot quite pinpoint when, but sometime in the last
few weeks, a mean elephant has taken up residence in our home. He is generally anywhere that is not attached
to me. I have yet to see him but I hear about
him quite often. He lurks in the
hallways, the room I ask them to go to without me, the stairwell if I am not
holding their hand or carrying them. In
short, he is very mean and scary and I am the only thing that seems to
give them comfort….or its simply a manipulative ploy to get me to do stuff that
they are old enough to do. I think it is the former with the latter thrown in
unconsciously…kind of like croutons on a salad. They serve no real purpose, the
salad is fine without them but they definitely add a kick.
It
occurs to me that we all have at least one mean elephant lurking in our homes. Our fears,
anxieties and past hurts, whether objectively significant or not are very real
and traumatic for us. They are our mean
elephants; and they do lurk.
In
my last post I talked about a guy that had unilaterally decided I didn’t want
to be in a relationship. Now I'm dating someone else. He is nice, really nice, quite possibly too
nice.
Is that possible? I mean I don’t think he is a pushover and I think, like
everyone, he has his limits, but he is trying very hard to please me and it
makes me want to be very unpleasant. The nicer he is the less nice I want to
be. Am I evil? Deranged? Masochistic? I
really don't think so, and I certainly hope not.
It occurs to me that while I have made
significant changes in the last three years and my perspective on relationships
has changed somewhat, maybe there is still that girl who is magnetically drawn
to complicated, exciting and ultimately unavailable men. If that is the case,
then I still have a lot more work to do because I really do want to be in a
relationship…don't I? It's not as though
I am a party-er. I don’t jump out of airplanes or travel to exotic places. The most exotic place I've been to in the
last three years is the NICU at Tel Hashomer Hospital. So what makes my body sing when I meet a man
like that?
It
is irritating me that this guy doesn’t make me tingle. In reality the guy before him didn’t either. I am afraid I have lost my mojo or if not, when
and how will it come back? Is it really going to be with a guy that once wowed
me, but even then I knew was wrong for me? I don’t have the time or emotional
energy for predetermined heartbreak and I feel I am so far past that.
And
so, I do believe I have a mean elephant in residence in my heart. I hope I can slay him, on my own; that I don’t
have to wait for Prince Charming to come and save me. I don’t really believe
that prince charming is a savior, rather an equal partner who has had his share
of mean elephants and maybe he too has been able to slay them on his own, grow,
learn to be open to new possibilities and less drama.
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