Last night I was out with some of
my mom friends and at 10 pm we were all stifling yawns. They are all married;
some have one, two and in one case, four children; some are pregnant, but at ten
at night we were all ready for sleep even though we bravely battled on with
smiles until the first soldier (me) fell at 10.45.
The one thing that is definitely different between solo moms and coupled
moms is what happens after the kids go to sleep. Let me preface my remarks by
saying that while never a party animal, and always a fan of sleep by 11pm, in
my heyday, I definitely went out quite a bit more than I do now. Additionally,
while a multi tasker with jobs, errands and tasks, I am definitely not one to
divide myself amongst people…specifically men. Never have I dated more than one
man at a time. Even if it was just a couple of dates, I generally tried to
start and stay with one guy before embarking on another potential
relationship.
Frankly, I am at a loss about dating with kids. So far I have not come across an article in
Vogue, Glamour, Elle, Laisha (Israeli women's magazine) or even a magazine as "intellectual"
as Vanity Fair or Time that discusses dating and the single mom. And I do differentiate between the single mom
and the divorced mom. Because my kids do
not have a father and I don’t have an ex - spouse who at least to some extent
helps out; either financially or actual face time, the man who enters my life
will to some extent become my kids' dad.
Unless I get a babysitter or my parents come, we're not going to have a
free weekend twice a month and on alternate Wednesdays. This is not because I
am daddy shopping, necessarily, but because my girls are almost three and in
their world man=abba(daddy) or saba (grandpa) depending on the gentleman's hair
color. So while before I may have jumped into any potential relationship for a
variety reasons, today I am much more deliberate and careful in my choices and
in including a man in our daily life.
So here is my question for coupled women with kids….How do you do it
all? And more specifically, because I'm pretty good at juggling, how do you
change roles so quickly and easily?
Today I had coffee with a friend who is married with a child. I remarked on this phenomenon. She admitted that at times, especially during
the first year after their child was born, it would’ve been nice to be alone
with the baby and not have to navigate a personal relationship with her spouse
as well. How even now, when their daughter is three she knows that she neglects
her husband to some extent. Personally, I barely made it through the day that
first year. If I had had to think about cooking, cleaning, straightening up,
shaving my legs or nether regions, or even chatting with someone, let alone
doing anything other than sleeping in my bed, I don’t know if I would
have survived. It seems to me that the
most natural state of being; the "normative" family is something very
difficult for me to conceptualize in terms of the mom vs. woman aspect.
Ladies, I am looking for input here. How do you manage to be mother
earth by day and sexy goddess by night? Does the sexiness start seeping through
your torn and tattered "play clothes" as soon as the kids are in bed
or do you need to shower and put on lingerie? Do you need a glass of wine
first? If you have spent a Tel Aviv summer afternoon in the park and made
dinner, given baths and read 2000 stories and cuddled your babies to sleep, how
do you make the switch to woman and not simply maid and caretaker? How do you
not simply crawl in a heap of exhaustion to bed and to hell with your
womanliness, his manliness and your hazy memory of sex?
I was recently kind of dating someone.
I say "kind of" because we didn’t really see each other that
often. He decided that I didn’t want to have a relationship because I was very
involved with my kids and because I told him that for the immediate future I
didn’t see the need to get together every day, although had he bothered to ask
I would’ve told him that every other week was a little meager, in my opinion. While
it is disappointing that it didn’t continue it is far from devastating. I
learned two things from the experience; that I do want to have a relationship
and that I need to feel more comfortable with these two roles coexisting.
So ladies out there, please tell me your secrets, since I am trying to
get back into the land of love, romance and relationships and enjoy life more
fully.
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