My daughter told me last night that I don’t smile a lot. I
was struck dumb because she is very funny and she and I laugh and giggle
together a lot. But as I reflected, I understood that we each have different
concepts of ‘a lot”. Because while we do giggle and laugh, I also direct, yell,
get annoyed, and generally rush around telling them to hurry, there’s no time
we need to go and you need to….. Whatever” it”
is at the current moment. The laughter, while there, is generally reserved for those wonderful fifteen minutes of quiet in the morning before all the rushing and hurrying begins.
is at the current moment. The laughter, while there, is generally reserved for those wonderful fifteen minutes of quiet in the morning before all the rushing and hurrying begins.
So as the mom, I need to get them moving and out the door.
Sometimes I succeed, at which point I breathe a deep sigh of relief and can go
back to being “fun and laughing mom” and other times I don’t either due to my
own exhaustion and don’t give a fuck attitude or theirs, in which case the “nasty
bitchy mom” is in full force.
But why is it that these people who are the best of me often times get the worst of me?
But why is it that these people who are the best of me often times get the worst of me?
This is rhetorical of course. I get why. But while I
understand it, I hate it. I hate that I get annoyed with them or yell at them.
I hate it equally when I have to ask seventeen thousand times the same thing
and get ignored. I fully comprehend the correlation between the two events. But
I strive to be better. I am not sure how
to do this. I apologize to them but I
feel even they know it’s empty to the extent that it will happen again.
Bad habits are hard to break. Bad habits are harder to break when we’re
under extreme pressure. I try. This blog
has become my confessional. I am not sure my kids will see it that way… I
certainly never saw it that way with my mom. I expected perfection. Most often
I received it. I am pretty sure my kids do not think they get perfection or
anywhere close to it.
As lame as this cliché is, I think when they’re grown up and
have kids they will get it. But that’s nonsense. I want them to remember their
childhood and their mom as fun but strict a friend and a confidant but the
leader of the pack, in control and wise. I want to be someone who smiles and
laughs and can get everyone out the door on time with all their books, bags,
lunches, coats and in their seats by 8:00. I want my kids to have good
memories.
I don’t want to just try my best I want to give my best to
the best of me.
